When I was 21, I lost my father to cancer. He passed away exactly one year after being diagnosed with stage four brain cancer. I consider myself very fortunate to have had that time to say the things I needed to say and ask the questions I needed to ask. That final year with him was one of the most difficult years of my life, but perhaps the most special as well. I cherish every moment we had together.
While I can experience gratitude for those moments now, that perspective has only come through many years of working through my grief and making sense of this challenging, and yet beautiful, life.
The first year was a blur. I tried to move through the pain by operating under one basic principle: life was short and needed to be lived. I travelled, chased adventure, and studied hard. But whenever I slowed down long enough to actually sit with how I was feeling, I found myself drowning in fear, emptiness, sadness, anger, and guilt. My grief had a palpable weight that seemed to grow heavier with every attempt to “move on.” I found myself longing for him, searching for pieces of him in everything. It felt like something had been stolen from me that I would forever chase and never regain.
I continued to struggle through the days, and people did not understand. Everyone kept telling me that he wouldn’t want me to be sad anymore. I believed that to be true, but I truly did not know how to move through the pain. It felt as though the rest of the world had sunny blue skies, while I was followed by a single black cloud dulling all light and color around me. I felt like a burden to others for being emotional, and at times I had very little hope that I would ever get through it.
This was the first time in my life I understood that the rational mind cannot take away pain simply by convincing ourselves that things are “okay.” The pain was there, and it was asking to be felt.
My healing began when I started to recreate the connection my father and I had. I began waking early to have coffee with the sunrise, something we used to do together when he was alive. I spoke about him openly with others, as if he still had a place in my life. I explored spirituality through yoga, meditation, breathwork, and reflection on my own existence. At times this brought fear and anxiety, but more often it gave me a deeper appreciation for life and the people around me.
I committed myself to showing up differently. Trying to be a better friend, a better person, and opening my heart to new connections.
I sat with the stillness of grief and struggled through feelings of loneliness until I eventually discovered a quiet sense of solitude there. I had to let go of ideas about what I “should” be doing and learn to listen to what my heart and body actually needed from me.
This process did not come without its challenges. While I often felt inspired and connected to my dad, I also felt the emptiness of every failed attempt to fill the space he left behind. Over time, I began to recognize the power of integrating that void into its own unique and meaningful part of who I am. Accepting that the space could never be filled was when things finally shifted for me.
Grief changes us.
And the truth is, time alone does not heal.
For me, healing required vulnerability: the willingness to feel, to not have it all together, and eventually, to open myself back up to see the simple beauty around me.
There are still days that I cry. I cry when I think about the fear he must have experienced facing his own death and leaving his children behind. I cry because I miss the sound of his voice and the comfort of his hugs. I cry because he is not here to experience my life with me.
But most days, I am deeply grateful for this life he has given me. I am humbled by the kindness of others, and I cherish even the smallest moments, like a quiet cup of coffee in the morning.
Life is more beautiful now.
More vivid.
More intense.
More meaningful.
And full of love.
Life is both precious and challenging. I move through the difficult days by allowing myself to feel what I need to feel, and by doing my best to focus my energy on gratitude and love. Some days this is incredibly hard, and I simply accept it for what it is in those moments.
Dad, you left me with a special scar. From the bottom of my heart, with tears and laughter, thank you.